September 19, 2007

  • Some peoples’ children…

    Ok, I cut someone off on the road, big deal.  The asshole in a Ford F250 pickup however decided that the best way to cope with some serious road rage issues by running me off the road not once, twice, but three freaking times.  What the hell is wrong with people these days?  Pent-up sexually abused childhood frustrations finally catching up to them or something?  People acting like idiots on the road doesn’t really bother me anymore, but when you’re actively trying to kill someone because you have some hormonal issues, thats just crossing the line a little bit.


    So after I called the cops on him, I cut him off again.  I was driving away from him when the guy decided to fly up to me gunning his gas like he’s about to run into me.  In fact, I’m sure he’s ready to run me off the road again.  So as I’m speeding up and he’s trying to catch up, there’s a car in front of me and I did the only thing that could piss this guy off royally:  I get out of the way as soon as he’s about to hit my bumper.  Dumbass almost hits the car in front of me– I could almost feel like fumes coming out from his percieved anger.


    I hope he learned his lesson.  Or wrap himself around a tree several times, either way thats one less problem in the world we need to worry about.


    ………….


    EDIT


    Ok, let me get one thing straight before I get misunderstood.  I’m very good at operational risk management– I will scan my surroundings and size up a problem before I act, quickly and under stress, either it be on the job or just messing with a pissed off driver.  After years of being in Uncle Sam’s employment and taking a few tours in the Sandbox, all of this has become instinct instead of something I have to think about for a second (some may say it is the only good thing that PTSD causes).  I made the decision to piss off an unstable driver even more because I had a wild card and I know what I was getting myself into.  There were no cars on that 2-lane road except for one car in front of me, and that one car was my Ace under the sleeve.


    The only reason I say this is because I forgot to add up there, that car in front of me was a cop car.  If he didn’t plow into the police cruiser, he wouldn’t try to run me off the road in front of an officer of the law.


    Either way, I win.  That is, until the man finds out where I live and buttrapes me in my sleep.

September 15, 2007

  • Holy shit

    My memory is slowly catching up to me right now, but I have no idea how:


    -I woke up without a shirt on, and I get a text message saying that I left my clothes in someone’s car that lives 40 minutes away.


    -My jeans pockets are filled with sand, and I don’t recall going to the beach.


    -My black iPod turned a white one, and its full of crap that I don’t even listen to…. like country.  I don’t think this iPod belongs to me.


    -Mysterious bruises on my body, never a good sign.


    The only thing I managed to remember so far is that when I was trying to figure out where the hell my credit card went, I remembered that I started a tab last night at a bar and got drunk to the point where I forgot to pay the tab.  The only problem is, I remember going to a good number of them last night and I don’t remember half the names of those bars.  Hopefully I can remember before I have drive back and go through every single bar until I find my card, or just cancel it and hope that my tab last night wasn’t too high and risk getting my skull cracked open the next time I wander in there.


    This morning so far is another one of them “I’m never drinking that much again” mornings like we always tell ourselves, but we all know by dinnertime that mentality is all about to change.  I’m looking forward to it.

September 11, 2007

  • Sept. 11, six years ago

    Everyone remembers exactly when and where they were when the two great towers fell that fateful morning, kind of like all the animals in the forest knew exactly when and where Bambi’s mother got shot by the hunter. I was on Parris Island, SC in boot camp for the Marines back in the day. It was another morning during “team week”, which was kind of a break for all recruits in the middle of boot camp. We were kind of spread out and assigned to different posts on the Island– working laundry, range, chow hall, etc. I had the luck of working at the Medical center, one of the cakest jobs where I got to hang around Navy guys who didn’t treat me like a kid and actually called me “Private” instead of “recruit” (it was a big deal to us back then). There was a female Gunnery Sergeant that was the Marine liason there, whom was serving that billet because in her words “being a DI sucks”. Yes, she even treated us like real people instead of lower-than-dirt and brought us coffee and donuts every morning, and never really yelled at us for any reason at all. The best part was, all the brand spanking new recruits that showed up, I got to boss them around like it was cool. At that point the DI’s started to let our hairs grow out a bit (instead of buzzing the entire head), and the 1st Phase recruits thought I was a real marine. Basically, when encountering a real Marine while you’re still a recruit, you have to address him/her as “sir / ma’am” like you render honors to an officer. I was having fun with that shit.

    One morning while walking to Medical, I say good morning to all the Docs and started making my rounds to collect and distribute clipboards to hang outside of each individual waiting room. I hear everyone gasping and there was a crowd mingled in front of the main waiting room’s TV set. All the docs, nurses, medical techs, and a few recruits that showed up early for physicals were sitting nearby like statues, but their eyes were peering towards the direction of the TV set. I asked them what the hell was going on.

    “Some major accident I think, hit one of the World Trade Center buildings,” said one of the doctors. They kind of cleared a bit of space so I could see the TV set. And the video of the first plane kept playing over and over and over. We had to get back to work, but every single television set was tuned into CNN and throughout the hour, everyone was distracted. Then we got word that a second plane hit the second tower. This is no way a flippin’ coincidence, and to confirm our fears, a third plane flew into the Pentagon in Washington DC.

    “Feng,” the female Gunny looked at me rather disheaveled after I returned to the reception desk. “We’re going to war, buddy.”

    A recruit started freaking out because he was from New York City and one of his relatives worked in the Towers, he was begging us to use the phone to call home (phone calls from recruits were only granted by our DI’s on very special occaisions), and the Gunny didn’t even hesitate and handed him the phone. He was a big guy, and a tough looking guy too– I had the feeling he was one of those types that never showed fear in his life and probably thought boot camp so far was a big joke. I couldn’t remember who he was talking to, but this big recruit had tears coming down his face, and I was fearing for the worst.

    He hung up the phone, and sat down still sobbing and speechless. A minute or two later he looks up at us and said, “I’m going to kill those sons of bitches that did this.”

    Me too, I thought to myself. Me too, because at this point, we really don’t have much of a choice now. Sooner or later, we’re going to get sent out to whatever foreign turf belonging to the people that flew that plane, and we would actually have to apply what we have learned so far and put some rounds downrange. It wasn’t just airplanes that hit the towers and the Penthouse– reality hit too, we weren’t safe in our little bubbles anymore.

    We were pissed.

    Before 9/11, most of us signed up for the Marines thinking we would have an easy enlistment, maybe travel on an aircraft carrier, tour the world and make port calls in exotic countries by getting severely drunk and have lots of unprotected sex with the fine local women. Worst case scenario maybe, we may have to spend a few months in Bosnia or Kosovo for peacekeeping operations. And once our cakewalk enlistment was over, it was time to go back to college with the GI bill we just received– most of us signed up for college money anyway. We also signed up for the supplementary motive that we could become “Badasses” and learn how to put some serious hurt in people. Nobody honestly thought we’d be sitting in the current shitstorm that you see on the news every evening for the past 5 or 6 years that nobody really gives a fuck about anymore. I have made some of the best friends I could possibly have during the war, and lost many too. I was one of the last of the pre-9/11 recruits, where we didn’t sign up simply because of revenge. I had good intentions back then to make something out of my life, but who knew things would turn out this way.

    We signed up to be a “Badass”, yet we were still so innocent back then. And when that first tower got hit, we would never be young again– it was our time to shine.

    Do YOU remember where you were during 9/11?

September 10, 2007

  • Rough? Well, sure, why not.

    Its been a crazy last few days.


    First off, I dumped my girl.  She has a current track record of 2 weeks in a row of bailing out at the last possible second right before we promised to go out and spend time together.  I’m telling you, dating a flaky college-aged chick is probably the dumbest thing you could do next to playing with sharp objects an inch away from your crotch while dancing in oncoming interstate traffic.  The woman just pisses me off, and I refuse to pick up her phone calls.  I just told her she’s on her own now, and I’m done.


    Secondly, I am now a Corporal of Marines.  One step down from my former rank of Sergeant.  Yes, I was busted down a rank yesterday first thing in the morning for this Reserve weekend.  On the flipside, I don’t have to do shit anymore.  No responsibilities, nobody to babysit, I’m pretty much on my own program now and everyone leaves me alone.


    I can tell the reasons why both events happened in the same weekend, but I would not only have to kill you several hundred times over– in fact I’ll just have to forcefully rape you in the cornhole without using any lube whatsoever for several hours straight.  Don’t believe me?  Ask and you shall receive.


    I rather you didn’t ask though, I could save some energy to walk over to the fridge for another beer instead.


    …..


    However, with both events happening, I am no longer obligated to be responsible for anything or anyone anymore.  See?  Positive thinking.


    ——————


    EDIT


    Jesus Christ, I’m more concerned about losing a girl than losing a stripe, I don’t give fuck about the Marine Corps enough to take it seriously anyway.  And I don’t really give two horseshits about trying to concern myself with picking back up again, I only have 4 months left in the Corps.  Fuck them.


    But then again, I don’t need any pity.  Like I said, my life is probably a little less stressful now that I don’t have to be responsible.

September 6, 2007

  • Old Pics

    These are a bit old, from last year but I just finally received pictures from last year’s Marine Corps Ball up in Atlantic City, NJ.


    mcball2


    Dave, Me (hiding), Chuck, Gunny “Spankers”, Logan, Jesse, and McKenna.


    mcball3


    James, Me, Jesse, Dave and his date.  Where the hell did my drink go?


    …………..


    This year’s ball, same time same place.  Except I actually have a girlfriend to bring, so basically I don’t care about behaving myself in front of her, as opposed to some hot date that I’m trying to score by being on my best behavior….. which usually ends up with disasterous results.


    I still remember my date from 2 years ago when she outdrank me under the table, I was puking in the bathroom while a Corpsman was simultaneously injecting an IV in my arm, while my date is standing beside me laughing along with the crowd of Marines outside peeking in.  I’m telling you, that moment put me on a legendary status among my unit.


    “Yeah remember that one kid that threw up all over the place while the Doc’s sticking him with an IV?  Yeah I took pictures.  I know, fucking Marines.  Geez.”


    I still need those damn pictures too, I have only briefly seen them once and never asked for them again.  Possibly because my date escaped from my room halfway through the night and left me a “haha good times, call me later, gotta go” note.  I don’t blame her.


    ——————————————-


    EDIT


    Did anyone else had trouble posting comments on others peoples pages?  Of course you did.  Screw you xanga.

September 2, 2007

  • Shopping carts from hell

    Apparently I didn’t know that there were technologies in place for inner-city supermarkets where they placed some sort of locking mechanism on shopping cart wheels based on a proximity perimeter.  Once you go past a certain distance/line, the wheels lock up, preventing someone from jacking the cart for their own personal use or leisure (ie. bums).  We had to haul a cart full of ice for the bar where I work at, and once the wheels locked up (we still had a good 70 yards to go), we had to actually pick the cart up and carry the damn thing over.  The cart kicked my ass.


    But I refuse to lose to a shopping cart.  Once we were done hauling, I made sure the cart got its payback.  Office Space style.


    0901072348


    I tried to take the wheels off, but I left my tire iron at home.  So I just kicked the shit out of it instead.

    I have no life.

August 29, 2007

  • Fall semester

    School started this week, and officially the first day of fucking-with-the-freshmen.  Like whenever some lost kid asks me for directions to his/her class (which I am severely poor at), I always point towards some random object.


    Kid:  Where’s Stevenson Hall?
    Me:  Right there [points]
    Kid:  uh… that’s the generator shed
    Me:  Shut the hell up kid, don’t argue with someone that’s been here longer than you, ok?  You suck at life!
    Kid:  [Runs away crying]


    Later I figured out the best way to avoid being asked for directions is simply the age old effective “1000 Yard Stare”.  Makes them cry every time.  Even makes myself cry when I do that to myself in the mirror.  Shit works like a charm.


    ……………………….


    I found out that I am the oldest person in two of my classes.  I’m supposed to feel like a dirty old man, but there’s something to be said when you’re staring down the shirt of the cute 18 year-old girl sitting next to you and you don’t feel guilty at all.  Are you supposed to?  Of course not.


    Ok, Kristin just called me a pedophile over the phone.  I told her she’s the idiot dating the pedophile.


    I was going to say “touche”, but in the end, I’m still a dirty old pedophile.  I can’t win.

August 27, 2007

  • State Fair

    Going to the Maryland state fair and going on those high-speed spinny type rides while very hungover is never, I repeat, NEVER a good idea.  ‘Nuff said.


    turkeylegs


    Me and Ted gorging on the largest Turkey legs I’ve ever seen in my entire life.  For those of you who know my boundless apetite, you all know that I eat ALOT.  But for once, I couldn’t finish that damn turkey leg, it was just too damn big.  And extremely greasy and salty, I had to chug an entire bottle of water after attempting to finish the turkey leg in fear of severe dehydration.


    However, I did manage to eat several more pit beef sandwiches following the turkey leg, while ironically watching the cows being paraded around in the barn in some beauty contest.  Yum!


     


    IMG_0343


    There was a thing going on where a big mother pig was giving birth to little piglets, the little things were no bigger than your shoe.  I was afriad the announcer guy in the pen was going to step on the little crazies.


     


    IMG_0354




    Someone drew a caricature of myself, I must say everything is pretty down accurate except for the exaggeration of the chest and arm hairs.  As we all know, Chinamen have a full head of hair and nothing on their bodies– something like having to shave my chest is something that I don’t have to worry about anytime soon.


    I am also part Japanese, and for some odd reason, none of the Japanese genes of having full facial hair has ever grown on me yet.  Wierd.


     


     


    PS– you were there at the fair, Erika?  Sorry, I was way too hungover and hungry to notice anyone except for the food presented in front of my face that I was gratuitiously stuffing my face with for the entire three hour duration that I was there.  Welcome to Smalltimore.

August 23, 2007

  • yuck

    Man, O’s sure suck like rotten buttholes.  Just like the warm beer they give us at Camden Yards.  3-30 against the Rangers?  Oh but I still love them.  Go O’s and warm beer in plastic memorabilia beer cups!


    osbeer


     


    ———————————————————————


     


    110266135_8bb75b19ca_b


    There was one time where I was coerced into drinking a potent brew from Dogfish Head that had 23% alcohol in it.  Scratch that, SEVERAL bottles of it within a span of 20 minutes before I blacked out.  I almost got arrested that same night too, fortunately I run faster when I’m drunk, or so I’m told.


    I initially bought one for my buddy J.R. yesterday, but somehow he pussed out and my friend Tracy decided to chug the bottle to try to prove a point (that J.R. was a puss, or she’s been loading up on testosterone so she could be as hairy as J.R., as shown above).  I told her the shit’s no joke, but she insisted on gulping the entire bottle down at once.


    Three bottles later, it de-escalated to the point where feeding Tracy roofies would actually wake her up.  Which now I finally discovered something that works MUCH better than plain old roofies.  Giggedy giggedy?


    Alllll riiiight.


    …..


    I take it back, its never a good idea to put the most intoxicated individual that is prone to throwing up in the backseat of a two-door coupe.  Fortunately for all of us, quickly throwing people out of vehicles no matter the situation is one of the things that I’ve actually gotten a medal for; along with watching someone throw up on the side of the road while I point and laugh.  As we all know, I do enjoy the entertainment value of watching others wallow in their alcohol-induced misery.

August 20, 2007

  • wearing hats indoors

    I was listening to my buddy get berated by someone for wearing a hat indoors because “its rude!”.  I asked as to how it is rude and was told the “it just is!”.  Well since I simply can’t stand pro-active ignorance I was forced to surgically sterilize this individual and then sodomize his mother.  But then it got me thinking– is there a good reason for taking hats off indoors?  Apart from the tired old canard “its rude”, I suspect its got something to do with one of those silly religious meanings everyone keeps prattling on about.  So seriously, why and/or how is it rude to wear a hat indoors?


    I’m not talking about military courtesy of removing hat indoors, thats a given.  I’m talking about the general rule of etiquette of removing hats indoors– any answers?


    And if the best answer you can come up with is something like “its disrespectful” or “its just how things are done”, then don’t bother answering me.  You are clearly too stupid to live and should do us all a favor and suicide yourself by jumping into the mouth of a Siberian tiger.