Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitraty, manipulative, and shallow interpretation of a romance day, everyone!

Just letting you know, the initial for Valentines Day is V.D.  Happy CLAP hunting!

Since I drive to Philadelphia one weekend a month for Reserve drill weekend, I can cram so much road rage into one weekend more than what the average American experiences road rage on average per month.

Never have I driven on the most poorly maintained and confusing road system than from the state of PA, especially the city of Philadelphia.  Useless dividers on the road everywhere you go.  Like on Route 1, if you need to make a left turn onto it, you must make a right and drive 10 miles down the road before making a U-turn to go where you want, and if your destination is on the other side of the road, good luck traveling another 8 miles past it before making ANOTHER U-turn.  Fuck you, City Planner of Philly, I hope your wife pulls a Lorena Bobbitt on you.

Philly drivers are fucking dickholes too.  If there’s plenty of space in front of you, they won’t merge into your lane.  Until the very last moment, when they don’t know how to work a signal and cut you off…. no, RUN you off the road.  And what the fuck is up with the random slamming-on-brakes out of nowhere in the middle of moving traffic?  Bad cellphone conversation?  Yeah fuck you, you’re not that important.

Did I ever mention to you about them Eagles fans.

Yes, an Eagles fan is one of the most dangerous group of predators you will ever meet in the jungle, don’t ever get caught talking shit about the Eagles in front of a fan or expect a punch in the face or a glass bottle over the head, followed by a steady stream of snowballs packed with piss and shrapnel.  The only thing more dangerous than an Eagles fan is a GROUP of Eagles fans, especially while intoxicated.  Don’t ever wander into the Eagles stadium with an opposing team’s jersey, the experience is guaranteed worse than a street ambush in the city of Fallujah or the Gates of hell.  It shouldn’t be a surprise that there is a courtroom built in the basement of the stadium and one pissed-off judge stationed there during games.  Its fucking dangerous, just ask Santa Claus!

Better yet, this gangsta down here will tell you how dangerous Eagles fans are:

Go team!

Oh I almost forgot about Shittsburg, PA.  Ok this one is too easy, but everyone knows by now that everyone from Shittburg is either a repeat sex offender or a prostitute.  End of story.

………………………..

Yes, PA residents, I am expecting the flaming and hate mail hurled in my general direction.  But in the end, you still lose for having the second shittiest state in the northeast.  Hey, at least you guys can still make fun of New Jersey.

HA!  I called it too…. Thats right, my favorite Pats fans– there’s nothing better in life than watching your beloved team’s accomplishments go down in flames.  Eat it Brady, eat it Belichick you cheating shitbag.  See you next season, losers!

Beer pong is already considered a national sport, and its only a matter of time before ESPN televises this.  I will break this down in simple steps that yes, even a Marine would understand.  If you have any problems understanding this…. then we got problems.  Learn some basic English, or ask a Marine to read it for you.

1)  Build a huge tolerance to alcohol.

2)  Repeat step 1.

3)  Repeat step 1.

4)  Begin play.

5)  Do not be discouraged if initial games are lost.  They will pay in the end.

6)  Watch for opponents begin to lose motor function.

7)  After close loss, recommend that “we up the stakes” by using full cups of beer.

8)  Rub US Marine Corps tattoo for luck.

9)  Begin winning handily as opponents can no longer focus vision.

10) Taunt opponents mercilessly as they puke.

11) Continue play until no man/woman is left standing.

12) Do victory shots.

13) Sharpie a phallus on now-unconscious opponents’ faces.

Remember, there are no points for second place.  And if you’re still looking for the plaque for the alternates, you can find it in the ladies’ room, you puss.

Too bad this thing is expired + out of date by now, but if I would have known earlier, I would have totally applied for this:

Guess I’ll just have to do this for free.  Oh how TERRIBLE that is!

Six years since i signed that dotted line to serve Uncle Sam and deal with the lowest common denominator of dimwits as leaders.  But I chose not to sign out and good-bye to Uncle Sam– ”like holy shit why not dude I thought you wanted out reaaaal bad?!?”.  I don’t know, my buddy in my unit says I’m a masochist for doing so.  I mean, we all know that everyone just LOVES bending over for The Big Green Weenie, unlubed possibly 50% of the time we get fucked over.

And whats that feeling when the Corps screws you over due to a shitty political climate and poor leadership most of the time?

Semper Fi dude.  Don’t ask don’t tell?

………………..

I’m drilling through my last two years on contract into my IRR, and once thats done– its over.  Unless someone could magically hand me a bachelors degree or something and a free ticket into Officers Candidate School I might stay in the military, but even with that I would just laugh, roll that piece of paper up and smoke it.  Then I’ll double drop-kick that same person into a plate glass window.

Thus, I will continue to stay in the reserves for a bit, continue my “Van Wilder” college program, which will almost take me the good part of the decade to graduate from school.  And yes, it is true that my weekly average blood alcohol content levels will be higher than my GPA. 

Lets see, last night I:

– Did double-shots of Brandy until passing out
– Almost set someone’s house on fire
– Screamed “INCOMING!!” whenever I heard fireworks and laughed hysterically when I found out I was just drunk, and not in Iraq.
– Was the reigning champion of “Dirty Minds” game
– Made a girl laugh until she pissed her pants
– Cussed out a friend’s wife for using my coat as a pillow and drooling all over it
– Almost smashed a Guitar Hero guitar after finding out how uncoordinated I am at that game
– Lost $20 at a poker game within 10 minutes because I went “all in” just so I can leave the table to talk to a girl
– Did a high jump-kick to prove to people that I could kick the basement ceiling above me, which resulted in a hole and a pissed-off homeowner.

Booze and bitches makes yakuzamonkey a happy man.

………………………………………..

Looking back at the past year, it was probably the wisest year of my life by going back to school after getting off my activation orders from the Marine Corps.  I been getting good grades the last two semesters, despite the fact that I’m stuck in classes with a bunch of 18 year olds (I seem to be on the “Van Wilder” college program) and still harbor a massive drinking binge.  Possibly the best thing that has happened was going to peer counseling sessions for Post traumatic stress disorder, which although is not as bad anymore, it still exists…. like them damn fireworks going off, I keep ducking for cover.

I tried to give relationships a chance again a few months ago, which ended up in failure after I caught the girlfriend in bed with someone else.  Before that it has been almost two years since I was last in a serious relationship, which between then and even today I’m back in manwhore-mode– a date or two, some great sex, and then disappear from her presence the next day.  I’ve been stabbed in the back so many times in past relationships that I’ve given up on women now– and no, I’m still not giving women another chance, not for a while at least.  Its scary when I say I throroughly enjoy meeting random women, having soulless grudge fucking and then leaving them the next morning, never calling them back.  Maybe I’m meeting all the wrong women to have any relationships with– but at least they look good enough to brag to your friends about.  You know, like “remember that smokin’ hot little Italian chick I pounded last month?  What a fucking airhead but man.. that thing she does with her mouth when—”…. yeah you get the point.  I lost faith in “love”, whatever the fuck that means.  However, that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy being single now…. its probably more fun than your “movie night” with your girlfriend, who’s probably sleeping around with someone else anyway.

I realize my lack of morals may impede my level of attractiveness to any potential female readers, but I think I rather just lie on my couch half naked with my laptop playing porn on my stomach while scarfing down Cheez-its and beer.  I have a feeling this year is going to suck, perhaps your version of the year 2008 may be more interesting than my version.

My morals (and standards sometimes) went out the window years ago, maybe I’ll fetch it back one of these days.  Just not this year.

I apologize for not posting something on Christmas day, as I was still somewhat inebriated since Christmas Eve.  But like every year, I must post this:

so Santa DOES give out presents to the naughty kids, regardless!

ps. little known fact:  as much as this picture has been circulating around the internet, I was actually present during this historical photo shoot, even though the only way to prove this statement is all but gone because the original photographer was medically discharged after getting whacked by an RPG.  Bummer.

My wish is that one day this photo becomes immortalized like the Iwo Jima memorial, proving that Santa was a prior service Marine crew chief.  Its true, look!

Oh, thats my leg sticking out of Santa’s ass btw.  He really should watch where he’s sitting, its bad enough that I didn’t have enough access to showers already out in Iraq.  Brown is a hard color to wash off too.

From an economics analysis of this year’s holiday shopping:  Holiday shopping will add 0% to our understanding of the economy, and a 99.9% increase in unsatisfactory outbursts when that last cool electronics gadget is sold out and your spoiled bratty kids thinks you’re the worst parent alive ever.

………….

I think retailers under-predict their sales outcomes yearly when they say they cannot surpass their sales from last year.  And then they make it a point that as Americans, we must uphold our patriotic duties by dropping whatever we’re doing and going out to buy more stuff….. for the good of the country, no?

I’ve come to the conclusion, as the expert economist that I am, that holiday shopping articles and stories are just about as helpful as drinking an entire bottle of Tequila mixed in with Nyquil before giving a public speech.  However, you can all skip your useless stories in regards to retail over the rest of the month, I will tell you what you need to know.

1.  People are going to spend more money this holiday season than they did last year, just like every other year.  Its like giving a redneck a shotgun and putting him in his backyard lined up with empty beer bottles, someone is going all-out on this one.

2.  Shop-clicking (online shopping) will do better than in-stores, where most sane people would rather sit and click rather than park two miles away from the mall (the closest parking spot they can find) and fistfight over the last Coach bag.

3.  Some item– a toy or gadget– will sell out and get auctioned off on eBay for a ridiculous amount.  Maybe its the Amazon Kindle, maybe its your mom.

4.  Apple will outsell more Macs, iPods, and iPhones.  And on January 15th, Steve Jobs will probably announce more new stuff, resulting in millions of people regretting that they didn’t wait.  Save us the grief and kill yourselves now.

5.  The increase of retail news coverage will grow faster than the combined GDP of every North American nation.

6.  Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior will grow 4-5% more disgusted with how the annual celebration of his birth has become tied with retail sales figures.

7.  Some lucky person will purchase a limited edition Honda Civic Mugen Si, and will have his rims, exterior badging, seats, and titanium shift knob jacked the following day.  Subsequently, some kid will be driving around town with new Mugen rims, badging, seats, and shift knob on his ’94 Civic DX.

8.  Your sister is still so easy, even a caveman can do her.

………………………………………………………….

EDIT

Ok, FUCK what they say on the news about the declining sales figures this year.  Did you just happen to stroll down your neighborhood mall lately and not only try to risk your life by getting a parking spot, but put you and your loved ones in the line of fire?  This form of warfare known only as “last minute shopping” is not like the slow-moving shoppers that they display on the news….. oh no.  I walked in there at 11:20pm and people were still howling their shit around the mall, like Terry Tate the Office Linebacker on a rampage after he found out you didn’t file your TPS report on time.

//conspiracy theory mode on//

I wonder how much money the retailers paid the media to depict that their sales are going slow, thus lowering the consumers’ guard down to say “hey it shouldn’t be that bad at the mall, the news says its empty!”.  And come to find out about the real madhouse that is going on in the real world of shopping nightmares, the “40% decrease in sales this year” is total horseshit.  They’re just lying to you to trick you into taking advantage of this so-called recession in holiday shopping.  At least thats what I noticed.

Don’t believe me?  Roll down to your local mall (assuming you live in a populated urban area, not Bumfuck America) and see for yourself, there’s no way sales can be significantly worse than the last several years.  Retail Giants paid Media Whore a good bit of money this year.

//end conspiracy theory mode//

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