December 24, 2007
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Sales, schmales.
From an economics analysis of this year's holiday shopping: Holiday shopping will add 0% to our understanding of the economy, and a 99.9% increase in unsatisfactory outbursts when that last cool electronics gadget is sold out and your spoiled bratty kids thinks you're the worst parent alive ever.
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I think retailers under-predict their sales outcomes yearly when they say they cannot surpass their sales from last year. And then they make it a point that as Americans, we must uphold our patriotic duties by dropping whatever we're doing and going out to buy more stuff..... for the good of the country, no?
I've come to the conclusion, as the expert economist that I am, that holiday shopping articles and stories are just about as helpful as drinking an entire bottle of Tequila mixed in with Nyquil before giving a public speech. However, you can all skip your useless stories in regards to retail over the rest of the month, I will tell you what you need to know.
1. People are going to spend more money this holiday season than they did last year, just like every other year. Its like giving a redneck a shotgun and putting him in his backyard lined up with empty beer bottles, someone is going all-out on this one.
2. Shop-clicking (online shopping) will do better than in-stores, where most sane people would rather sit and click rather than park two miles away from the mall (the closest parking spot they can find) and fistfight over the last Coach bag.
3. Some item-- a toy or gadget-- will sell out and get auctioned off on eBay for a ridiculous amount. Maybe its the Amazon Kindle, maybe its your mom.
4. Apple will outsell more Macs, iPods, and iPhones. And on January 15th, Steve Jobs will probably announce more new stuff, resulting in millions of people regretting that they didn't wait. Save us the grief and kill yourselves now.
5. The increase of retail news coverage will grow faster than the combined GDP of every North American nation.
6. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior will grow 4-5% more disgusted with how the annual celebration of his birth has become tied with retail sales figures.
7. Some lucky person will purchase a limited edition Honda Civic Mugen Si, and will have his rims, exterior badging, seats, and titanium shift knob jacked the following day. Subsequently, some kid will be driving around town with new Mugen rims, badging, seats, and shift knob on his '94 Civic DX.
8. Your sister is still so easy, even a caveman can do her.
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EDIT
Ok, FUCK what they say on the news about the declining sales figures this year. Did you just happen to stroll down your neighborhood mall lately and not only try to risk your life by getting a parking spot, but put you and your loved ones in the line of fire? This form of warfare known only as "last minute shopping" is not like the slow-moving shoppers that they display on the news..... oh no. I walked in there at 11:20pm and people were still howling their shit around the mall, like Terry Tate the Office Linebacker on a rampage after he found out you didn't file your TPS report on time.
//conspiracy theory mode on//
I wonder how much money the retailers paid the media to depict that their sales are going slow, thus lowering the consumers' guard down to say "hey it shouldn't be that bad at the mall, the news says its empty!". And come to find out about the real madhouse that is going on in the real world of shopping nightmares, the "40% decrease in sales this year" is total horseshit. They're just lying to you to trick you into taking advantage of this so-called recession in holiday shopping. At least thats what I noticed.
Don't believe me? Roll down to your local mall (assuming you live in a populated urban area, not Bumfuck America) and see for yourself, there's no way sales can be significantly worse than the last several years. Retail Giants paid Media Whore a good bit of money this year.
//end conspiracy theory mode//
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Comments (8)
I can't believe I had not heard #8 yet. I will avoid mentioning split coffee as that is so trite
#8 is now on my list of entertaining semi insults
I was just talking to a friend of mine who has a good friend that owns a store, and said that this year their sales are down 40% from what they were last year for christmas. I'm not so sure people are going to be spending as much as last year, with the economy not doing as well and people opting out on their housing mortgages and everything.
Also, internet sales for christmas should already be pretty much done, since we're approaching if not already at the point where shipping by christmas eve is pretty hard to do (or outrageously expensive).
Oh shit, is it really that bad? I asked around before I signed the lease and people told me that National Harbor is a decent area, and nice running trails near the Potomac, etc. Can you tell me more about it?
parking man, parking is the major beef...
lol... "your sister is so easy even a caveman can do her" lol....
It's a dual!!! I'll ninja you all the way back to the east coast sucker! lol j/j
see what I meant about the parking battlefield?
personal observation: men are a lot more courteous with the parking situation than women.
Just a random point-- the number of people shop[ing doesn't mean they're spending the same amounts of money. Everyone still needs to buy presents, that doesn't mean they're spending as much as they did last year. Not saying definitively of course if this is the case, but that at the same time saying the malls are packed doesn't mean everyone's spending all their money.
I also don't see the average American thinking to themselves "Hmm, sales say they're down, let me go out and help my friendly corporation by buying more stuff!!!" especially if they're already on a budget.
...this post is a Masters thesis for your MBA.
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