December 2, 2007

• So what is Toys for Tots?

  Once upon a time during a Christmas season, a very bored Marine Reservist General decided to make other reservists feel useful by making us collect toys for the needy.  On the surface, it is a charitable drive that donates toys to less fortunate children.... which really is true by the way.  However as historically noted, Marines always have ulterior motives for doing volunteer work, anywhere from helping the poor and impoverished people, or blowing up third-world countries-- all rewarded by food, beer, more beer, steamy romps with underage drunk college girls who are attracted to just about anyone holding a beer bottle...... after that, followed by more beer.

  I could go on forever about that, but back to my original point-- here's how Toys for Tots work.  A Marine (or several) will stand at a location where there is a donation point (ie. Toys 'R' Us) by wearing his dress blues and greeting people as they walk by.  Ok honestly-- the whole point of standing there is to have women give out their phone numbers to the volunteering Marine collecting toys in his Blues, like throwing magnets at a refrigerator door.  Troop welfare, as I like to call that, is achieved; and somehow while these Marines are happily working on the helpless women in the store, somehow a mysterious pile of toys show up in the donation boxes.  Troop welfare AND mission accomplishment, where there are plenty of toys to go to the needy kids, and the Marine who made it happen managed to take home the nineteen year old blonde sorority girl that was shopping for gifts for her niece but ending up accepting the Marine's offer of buying her a beer, only because he's over 21.

  In my world, here's how its done:

  

  The Lance cooley, fresh out of boot camp and training and still thin enough to attract women will stand there like a statue, like how you always see them in the TV commercials.  Take Lance Corporal "T-Bone" here, an example of fresh bravado who still believes in the mission and stands tall and proud alongside the toy bin.

   

  

  Meanwhile, the seasoned NCO in charge of the Lance Coolie, whom has picked up an unhealthy drinking problem after years of slaving away to these ridiculous programs (plus a combat tour or two), he will show up to the family-friendly environment extremely drunk (with a possible flask hidden away in his front pockets that he isn't supposed to use) and proceed to get lost every once in a while and prey on young mothers innocently buying toys for their kids, but lured into the NCO's web of attraction, due to the combination of a great-looking uniform, overbearing frat-boy attitude, the smell of whiskey, and his large penis that once made John Holmes blush in shame.  Take for example here, Corporal-Second-Award "Dirty Fungus" here that just showed up to this Toys for Tots event driving his new car he just recently purchased on eBay (coin-operated engine, with standard 'Tigger' hood ornament!  Optional drivetrain included in Premium package #44).  He may be just another old salty-dog, but look-- he's still extremely enthusiastic about this event (and extremely hammered from drinking for 3 nights in a row, while also doped up on several cans of Red Bull).

  Thus, is how this dynamic duo strike a perfect balance between troop morale levels and mission accomplishment.  The lance coolie witnesses toys being donated, plus his fearless NCO catching another STD from unprotected sex with 15 girls in one night thanks to his new ride!

  ..............................

  All jokes aside though, T-Bone and Dirty Fungus did manage to get six large boxes of toys donated at the Toys R Us event before noon, a record high for that store.  Thanks to pretending to be nice for 6 hours and putting guilt trips upon customers at the checkout line when told to "think about the children!".

  One kid no older than six years old did come up to us and asked us what branch of the military we were in.  When we replied 'Marines', he asked us if its got anything to do with the Navy (Annapolis is a pro-Navy town, I'm thinking it might have something to do with the Naval Academy being there).

  Kid:  You guys Navy then?
  Me:  Not really.
  Kid:  Those uniforms are cool!  You MUST be from the Navy!
  Me:  Why is that?
  Kid:  They have the BEST football team!

  Ahh yes, brainwashing their kids with the permanent directive of "Go Navy, Beat Army!" for the Army vs. Navy game (38-3, boooyaaa!) can start as early as childbirth some say.

  • 8:29 pm
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