August 16, 2007

• Get out of the drivers seat. Now.

  So I am determined that never again will I let my girlfriend Kristin drive my car anymore.  Ever.

  
  

  No, she's actually a good driver.  In fact, she is TOO good of a driver.  I let her take my car on a joyride through the backroads by Loch Raven reservoir to see how fast she could zip through those corners.  For those unfamiliar with the Loch Raven area of Maryland, its a series of winding canyon roads through the forest that car enthusiasts try to zip though the hairpin turns like something out of Initial D or Tokyo Drift.  Once in a while you'll run into broken car parts or a totaled car that some silly ricer thought he could drift with his piece of shit Honda Civic.

  
  

  On the way home after picking up my car from an oil change, she somehow talked me into letting her drive and taking it up Loch Raven.  I wasn't sure whether she was a crazy terrible driver, or was she just TOO good of a driver-- Lets just say, I have never seen anyone handle my car as well as she did-- or any driver on the road for that matter.  I haven't even really drove my car to its full potential, and here she is pushing it well beyond its limits and still handling it like a champ.  I wish I could have videotaped the entire course but I was a bit too busy screaming for dear life and trying not to piss my pants.

  
  

  The irony is, she drives a piece of shit econo-box, so there was no way I could have figured out that she learned how to be a rally racer by driving in Chicago all her life, having to drive a manual transmission and dealing with [in her opinion] the country's worst drivers without any accidents.  And no, that '67 Mustang she's rebuilding on her own doesn't count as a car yet.  No joke.

  
  

  If it was any consolation for me, she offered to buy my next set of tires from all the layers she wore out on my current set.  I told her I could care less about the tires, I just want my manhood back-- I'm doomed to just pussyfoot my car for the duration of its existence.  Until I can afford a 911 Turbo.  Or an F-18 fighter jet.

  
  

  I told some people this and already some idiots were like "oh I'd like to race her sometime.."  NO.  Save yourself from embarrassment and shut the hell up, I'm not even exaggerating when I say that she'll make you cry.  She is THAT good.  If you need proof, just ask to see how much my testicles shrank from that 20 minute ride and I'll be glad to show you.  Maybe.

  • 1:43 pm
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