August 4, 2007
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I want a grenade launcher with that rifle this time. And more ammo, please.
There's a good chance I'll be sent out to the mean streets of Iraq again. Even if I get out in January, they could still call me back. Or if I stay in the reserves a bit longer, they'll send us out again for sure.
So here I am, on a friday night in front of my computer drinking by myself. I'm having those thoughts again. Yeah, remember that shitstain of a country they call Iraq? It was two years ago, but to me.... it still feels like yesterday. Some of my friends are still out there. Some of them came back. Some of them never made it back.
I'm sick of the Corps, I'm sick of this war, but I still want to go out there and fight alongside my brothers and sisters and bring them home. Too much idle time thinking to myself makes me look like some burnt-out idealist, but maybe thats what I am. An idealist.
But not like this. Not sitting at home with a bottle of scotch and pondering my existence or usefulness-- wondering if I should pick that rifle up again and go back out, or concentrate on my books and get a dull 9-5 office job in the future. Wondering if not going back out equals to abandoning my friends. Pondering whether the stuff I did before was worth it, questioning my morals and trying to forget the damage I have caused. Wondering if any of my friends, family, or people in general that I interact with on a daily basis knew the real me, or my real history. I wish I can say that I'm still the fun-loving, troublemaking joker that I have always been all my life, but ever since my return from Iraq, its not the same anymore. I've gotten older, way older-- Warriors will never be young again.
Its one thing to tell people how hot and shitty Iraq was, or telling stories about the fun stuff or the stupid shit that went on out there, they definately make good conversation starters. In fact, I always tell my friends about the cool shit that has happened, or retarded day-to-day stuff in the Corps that I complain about all the time. But when people start noticing that I lack that kind of spirit to tell a good "war story" and as my girlfriend (yeah, i got a girl now, more on this later) pointed it out, I have this "look" in my eyes that says I'm hiding something. Well, she isn't too far from the truth.
I'm all about being open and having nothing to hide when you're in a relationship. But I'm petrified to reveal any of my Sandbox experiences with her-- which she is naturally curious about. I always tell her please don't ask, and she says she understands..... but I highly doubt it. She WANTS to know. People are curious. And thats what I'm scared to talk to her about, which could lead to alot of trust issues. I feel like my silence will jeapordize my relationship with her, or any future relationships for all that matter. For all she knows, I'm either a liar that never been to Iraq (pictures prove otherwise though, but one could argue they were probably taken out in the Mojave desert), or maybe I may have been involved in the Haditha shooting myself. I'm not admitting to anything, but I rather keep that chaper of my life shrouded in mystery than have the possibility of her thinking that there may be a few screws loose in my head, or have the potential to go bonkers. Especially if she finds out that I drink alone at home often. I just don't know what to tell her. I'll be taking a big risk if I ever tell her, hoping that she may understand my silence a bit more (might be worth the risk though). But not now, not today. I'm still scared.
I don't give a fuck what any of you readers are thinking about me right now and what I could have possibly seen or done out there, but I'm still a semi-decent human being with a fragile mind but extremely strong conscience; hoping that by trying to live a normal life, I may be able to find peace with myself. And thats all you need to know.
Like I've said a long time ago, once you had your first taste of combat, you'll never be young again. When your closest friends become a death toll number that the news simply flashes briefly on the TV and nobody really gives a fuck about, that makes you want to curl your index finger against the trigger of an assault rifle and squeeze some rounds downrage until something or someone stops functioning. Nobody knows why I'll even consider going back there, and nobody ever will. But if going back out there and bringing a friend or two home alive means that I can finally confront my demons and conquer it, then so be it.
Maybe I can finally forgive myself. Or at least try.
Comments (8)
Your entry brought back memories of my last relationship-- it's hard. I wish you the best of luck though. I know my opinion isn't worth much, but as much as you can let your girlfriend in to know that chapter of your life, the more she's going to be able to understand and the less fear she'll have that your silence is because of her.
But... I sincerely hope you find peace someday.
and people say they have problems in their lives? Not like this. No argument here my man...
When it comes to sharing your experiences with your girlfriend, in the beginning it's hard to know what to share. Time and honesty, not necessarily secret sharing, is what builds trust. I think you will find there is a certain "level" of experiences that you will never be able to share with her, simply because nothing you say could make her completely understand. Besides, if you are going back, you might not want to share any horror stories prior to going because that will add to her worry.
And you're more than "semi-decent"... You're human and fragile, just like the rest of us. Don't let anyone judge you. You know I'm certainly not. This conversation sounds kind of familiar. I've had it with someone else (and you know who) before...
Put the lid back on the bottle and take care of yourself. Send me a message if you want to talk some more.
hey kidd. i hear ya. whenever you need it, i'm here to listen. always. visit whenever you get the time too. miss ya in taiwan.
You are an amazing person. I live with this kind of talk almost daily. And just like I tell my husband, fight your demons how you feel you need too... but try to remember there are people here that still care about you. Richard did the same thing about not telling me about "over there"... and I still don't know hardly anything. At first, I'll be honest, it bugged me - but now it doesnt matter. He told me one or two small stories and had some pictures of some incidences they ran where people where unlucky with a bomb... and I understood. Granted, not full heartdly what he went through, but I knew that if he ever opened up to me it wouldn't be any time soon... and his second deployment ended in '05. Explain a little something to her, let her in a little, you don't want to regret it.
i've always enjoyed your entries... this one particularly. choosing the right path is and will always be difficult. it entails sacrifices that other people will never have to make... it means being unpopular or seterotyped... but it also means you're one step higher than the rest of us because it's YOUR choice to do the right thing. you don't have to go back there... but there's a difference between being thrussed into a lion's den and walking proudly into it with your head held high. i think youll choose the latter... there's too much good in you... no matter how broken you say you are...
you said your girlfriend says she understands when you won't tell her about your war stories but she doesn't... like everyone else, you says she wants to know... but she lets you off when you say you don't wanna talk about it right? cut her some slack... she might not understand you, but she trusts you and she certainly seems to respect your decisions. please try to trust her too...
i commend your passion and your idealism... few people with your age and experience retain those particular qualities... my prayers go out with you. God bless!
My father's always told me that if something doesn't kill you it's just a chance to get stronger.
Just hang in there. Coming from a family full of service members, I know how hard things are for you right now. They will get better, I promise. You're a tough guy.
It seems like your girlfriend is quite a woman, she trusts you enough to just leave you alone about your past. That alone says quite a bit about how much you can trust her.
atleast your not a theif or some scumbag.. you've done well. for our country and for your fellow marines. be proud of who you are. if you think about it, there are people out there who are in far more worse situation than you are. so just be thankful of everything you have and what you have accomplished.
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