March 30, 2006

  • <3 rush hour..... about as much as I <3 eating rusty nails out of a used diaper.


    What, I'm not moving?  Everything is zero'd out?


    That's right, I STALLED OUT MY CAR in rush hour traffic, the first time I stalled out a manual transmission automobile in years.  There, I said it.  I can come up with a million and one excuses, but in the end, I just can't drive optimally in rush hour traffic.


    You know those "Easy" buttons they advertise on those Staples commercials?  If I had one of those in my car every time I'm stuck in rush hour traffic and I hit that button, one or more of the following would happen:




    1. Cars would part away, like Moses parting the sea


    2. A bikini model sitting shotgun would appear and scratch the back of my ear like a dog, telling me it's not worth getting road rage.


    3. A special-smelling cigarette, whereupon the second-hand smoke would smell like that "brand new car smell" to calm me down


    4. A rocket-propelled grenade launcher, in case a clueless driver got out of line from rule #1 up there


    5. A cartoon-ish spring loaded hammer will pop out from behind the seat and smack me in the back of the head, reminding me why the hell I didn't buy a car with automatic transmission in the first place.

    But that's okay, I only have fifty more years left until I retire-- boy I can't WAIT!...

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